Free Falling

I quit my job last week. I didn’t have another one lined up to take its place, and I knew that the decision would leave me strapped for cash for at least the next month, but I knew it was something I needed to do.

I was fundamentally unhappy. My values seemed to clash more and more every day with the office environment and company culture. I felt like I was living a lie and having to hide my authentic self every single time I opened my mouth to speak. They were asking me to buy into this cult-like ideology, and I knew the Kool-Aid was poisoned. Working there left me drained emotionally and physically; I grew mean and irritable. I snapped at my family all the time over the littlest things. My attitude still has yet recover (I think there might be some deeper issues there but I’m working on it). I had to get out of there.

So I took a step I knew I needed. I got out. And I felt freer – but that sort of freedom that results in jumping out of an airplane and tumbling through the air, wind whipping at your cheeks. Life ending, until you pull the parachute cord and are snatched back and carried safely to the ground.

I think my whole life has been this sort of free fall in one way or another. My parachute has been Jesus and my faith that he’s going to work everything out in my favor.

 

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.’” – Jeremiah 29:11

 

Everything that I’ve ever accomplished in my life has been a result in my faith in the promises of my God.

Writing this, I realize how much this isn’t necessarily a message to folks reading this to trust God, but a reminder to myself. I think I’ve forgotten.

This current season of my life has been one of the most difficult I’ve ever been through. Right now, I’m actively afraid that I peaked in college. I combat that negative thinking with the understanding that it’s impossible for me to have done that because of all that was sown into me during my four years at Ohio State. I have the tools and the knowledge and the skills – only right now, I don’t know how to use them or have a space to apply them. That’s what scares me most – falling short of my potential and not accomplishing all the dreams and goals I have set for myself.

The real world is nothing like I imagined. I feel like I left the liberal, academic bubble of The Ohio State University that had become the one place I truly felt at home and found myself in another universe. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I feel lost without my classes and books. Without my friends. Without my communities. Without the independence that I felt living my own life thousands of miles away from family. I miss everything.

I guess I thought conquering the world would be easy. Silly me.

But I’m holding fast to the promises. I’m trying. I’m waking up every day and scouring LinkedIn and Indeed and Glassdoor for jobs. I’m finding ways to hone my art. I’m meditating more. I’m trying to find any way I can to make this place feel more like home.

I know that this season of growing pains is necessary. I’m learning so much, and I know that I haven’t been forsaken. It’ll happen. One day, the right door will open.

Until then:   

Here I am Lord. Please lead me.