My Defining Decade
My 15 year old self would be so disappointed. I knew then that my 20’s would be magical. Not to say that they aren’t a certain something, but magical may not be the word….at least not all the time. My younger self envisioned everything from my “Girlfriends” style entourage, to marriage (...by now), and being some freaky doppelganger of Beyoncé with a sprinkle of Queen Pen. At 27, I have lost many friends who I dreamt of forever with, have had quite the colorful dating past — as well as being very not married….and I’m #bootylicious solely because my booty and belly is direct a result of my love for food…and wine.
Life's True Lessons
As cliche as it is to say -- thus far my twenties has taught me a lot. What I have learned, amidst shattering all childhood expectations, is nothing matters. Not in a melodramatic way, but in a don’t-be-too-tied-to-outcomes type of way. Change is will happen. Everything is transient. Literally everything, my happiness, my preference of cuisine, whether or not I feel like putting on makeup, and whether or not I feel I even need it in the first place. Everything. In this quest of trying to “create consistency”, I was driving myself crazy. I was doing what I realize now was trying to bury the most beautiful parts of my life. By trying to make things fit forever, I was avoiding embracing change and not honoring myself or my ever evolving level of dope. I was scared. Scared of being uncomfortable, and scared of letting go.
This past year I let go of some of the most comfortable things by saying no to others, so I could say yes to myself. I had a year of yes of sorts, before it became a “thing”or a book. First, I said yes to my faith. This was probably the biggest yes of all. It literally transformed my life. I was lead to an amazing dynamic group of women. I said yes to events and meet-ups where I knew NO ONE. This journey taught me to trust timing, to not be afraid to stand on my own, and to relinquish (some...because, baby steps) of my need for control - to the One who really has the control. I trusted that I would be where I needed to be, with whom I needed to be with, doing what I was purposed to do, always. I went with the flow, and embraced the transient nature of my journey. In the past, being scared to let go, lead me to damage control situations, create boundaries around people, and dull feelings I should not have been dealing with in the first place. I was all the way in my own way, messing things up.
My Next Yes
The next yes, a far more difficult yes, and a work in progress yes — has been learning to say yes to myself. There have been glimpses…like when I dyed my hair blonde, and my parents compared me to my dog, as in they were definitely not fans, but I thought, and still think it was bomb. However, there are not so bomb times, like when I can’t let go of attributing my satisfaction with my body to a number on a scale. Or when I look around and everyone is having babies and getting married -- but me, and even my dog lives with my parents. All and all, honoring myself and learning what serves me is the hardest to do, and the hardest to protect.
I learned many things about myself – at the hands of others – many of whom without my best interest at heart. All of which lead me to realize, the internal dialog I have about myself, a lot of who I think I am...largely isn’t even my own ideas, or my truth. Things I thought were finite and concrete — are just as temporary as everything else in my life, and that is ok. Saying yes to myself is also letting go of whatever mold I feel I have to fit into. It’s giving myself permission to dismiss those things I choose not to ascribe to, right along with the people trying to impress their beliefs upon me. As I enter the final few years of my twenties (phew, that was hard to write) my main focus is giving myself permission to be, and live firmly planted in my ever evolving truth.
Happiness comes out of being willing to do your work in your twenties to find out who you are, what you love.